A Bloody Battle

Walking into the kitchen is like walking into a cage match for me. I have no doubt that I will come out battered (cake battered or otherwise), bruised, diced and fried.

I started fighting back last week. I bought a meat tenderizer. Yes, my dear little meat hammer. And I must report that I walked away from cooking that meal with zero injuries (which was nice since I was cooking for guests and didn’t want to resort to busting out the Hello Kitty Band-Aids). I didn’t even whack my thumb with the meat hammer, like some scene out of a wacky-go-lucky sitcom or an episode of the Three Stooges.

So here’s my theory. You’ve got to show the dinner who is boss. Maintaining authority at all times is the key. And sometimes taking a meat mallet to the chicken breasts does the trick. (Put plastic wrap over the chicken first, or else you’ll get splattered. Not technically an injury, but still not fun.)

As a side-note, sometimes retaliations happen. For example, you go into the kitchen unprepared for the battle of cooking dinner. You merely want to core an apple. So, you get out your nifty little apple corer—the kind that cuts the apple into slices at the same time it cuts out the core—and prepare your apple snack. And while you’re trying quite unsuccessfully to pry the leftover core from your nifty apple corer, you slice your finger. You may just find yourself looking at the meat hammer in the sink and thinking to yourself, “Karma.”

Make Marshmallows, Not War

Behold the Holiday 2008 edition of the SkyMall catalogue. Luckily, I had already finished most of my gift shopping before Jon and I headed back to Arkansas for the holidays. So, I didn’t have to resort to picking out ridiculous gifts from the free catalogues found in the seat pockets on the plane. If you’ve ever been bored enough to browse said catalogue, you know the drill. It usually has interesting, overpriced and completely unnecessary gadgets and gizmos that your dad would probably love as a gift (sorry, dads, but it’s true; you have a lot of unused gizmos, just like I have a lot of unworn shoes).

So I couldn’t resist picking out a few of my favorite unnecessary, overpriced items. Here are my four top picks that no kitchen is complete without!

The Marshmallow Shooter. For those times when you need to shoot the marshmallows into your hot chocolate from 30 feet away. And as the description boasts, “unlike other marshmallow blasters—it comes with an LED sight that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy.” So you can hit even the smallest of mug openings! Obviously, this is a bargain at just $24.95.

The Marshmallow Bazooka. Unlike the marshmallow shooter, this bazooka is made for war not hot chocolate. It shoots jumbo marshmallows up to 40 feet, obviously for when you want to pound your enemies with edible treats. Because, who wouldn’t want to lay some sugar on the opposition? (On a side note, wtf? Does SkyMall really love shooting marshmallows at people, or is this some weird trend I have yet to catch onto?)

Italian-Style Pizza Oven. In theory this is like a fondue set; you and your friends sit around and have fun making your food together and creating mini pizzas! And yes, while it is adorable, it’s also $129, and it’s one of those things that you’ll use exactly once and then it will sit in a closet for five years until you finally decide to throw it out in the garage sale. So get a fondue set instead for, like 20 bucks.

The Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker. Looking at this really skeeves me out. Just imagine the moment when everything pops up. Ding! Then again, if you eat hot dogs every day, this might be a good buy for you. If not, just use your toaster oven or a microwave. Or, just stop eating hot dogs altogether.